Lets talk about Sex!

Sexy Wife

5 tips on being sexy for your husband-When you feel like a hag.

#haglife

Definition of sexy : sexually suggestive or stimulating : erotic. : generally attractive or interesting : appealing.

SIGH.

Let’s be honest now…if you are a wife and mom, and especially if you are in your 30’s and have had more than a couple of children…you probably feel like a hag…at least most of the time.

Am I right? Or am I the only one who struggles with this? #haglife

The word “sexy” may make you roll your eyes, sigh with exhaustion, or just make you say, “whatever!”.

Maybe you just had a baby and you feel more like this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe your idea of “being sexy” looks like this… (sorry random lady)…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe the thought of the word “sexy” sounds exhausting…

(I have no idea why I am using so many dang animal pictures!)

So what does it look like to be a “sexy wife”? 

What does it mean to BE “sexy”?

Today we are going to be looking at some of the proposed perceptions of husbands and the thought processes of wives of what it means to be a SEXY WIFE.

The Unspoken Truth

When our men finally ask us to be their wives, we are usually ecstatic! We start planning, we start dreaming, we show off our beautiful ring. But USUALLY, we start exercising. Am I right? We want to be able to get into that tiny little white dress and impress not only our husbands, but everyone that will be at our wedding.

The unspoken truth of the matter is, when we first start our marriages, we make it our goal to become as sexy as humanly possible for our husbands. We go out of our way to find sexy lingerie, to dress up, to cook yummy treats and meals, to initiate intimacy, to send sexy little text messages to their phones, etc.

Then, a lot of times….children happen. Busyness happens. Life happens. Not that we don’t still want to be sexy for our husbands, even as moms, but life has a way of making all of those initial important things go away. What used to be important seems to be “put on the back burner”. We still dress up for Sundays, put makeup on for date nights and sometimes, occasionally workout. But, what used to be so much of a priority has been unintentionally forgotten.

We resort to sweat pants and bad hair days, with no thought as to how it effects our husbands.

You see, being sexy is not necessarily being all dressed up in a laced black negligé, 5 inch stilettos or saying alluring things to your husband (even though those are great things!).

Sexy is a frame of mind. Sexy is a vibe that you give off! The confidence that you once had with your husband. Before children. Before the busyness of life.

Yes, you can still wear sweat pants and have messy hair, and still have that “vibe” that you once had. That sexiness that drives your husband wild! But, it is an intentional way of thinking. Intentional actions.

I say we TAKE SEXY BACK!

I say we awaken that which used to be so important to us in the beginning of our marriage…being sexy.

Tongue-Tied

I recently took a poll on Facebook of all the married men out there who were brave enough to respond. I put a list of things on there that might describe what they viewed as being sexy. Here was the question and these were the choices:

My wife looks most sexy/attractive when she:

  1. Dresses up
  2. Initiates intimacy
  3. Puts effort into health/body
  4. Sends love notes or pictures

Believe it or not, there were not that many husbands who responded (I salute the brave few).

Why?

Because, I believe that they were and are tongue-tied.

I believe that they were fearful that maybe their wives would read their response and get offended by their opinion. Unfortunately, I don’t think that this fear that men have is too far off the mark. Why is it that wives AND husbands cannot talk openly about what is sexy to them, and what their needs are?

Don’t get me wrong, I think women are more apt to give their opinions on what their husband should do to be sexy…

“What are you wearing?!? That is so ugly! Here, wear this!”

“hunny, maybe you should start working out…you know, get those big arms that Chris Hemsworth has.”

“Gross…you want to have sex now? You are all sweaty and nasty! Get away from me!”.

Can you even imagine what would happen if our husbands said any of those kinds of things to us?!?!?

WORLD WAR THREE!

I believe that many men are tongue-tied because they are not able to say what they desire from their wives, especially in the realm of “sexiness”, for fear they may get in an unwanted fight, or possibly even “lose their life.”  I believe it is a huge struggle for them. They want so badly to say what they find sexy from their wives, without fear their wives will take it wrong, or be offended. I believe most husbands really do have good intentions for this sensitive subject, but end up just not saying anything at all because they don’t want to their wives to feel hurt.

Ladies…we can alleviate their fears!

We can allow them to communicate with us without feeling like they are “walking on eggshells”. We can for all practical purposes, allow them to give insight into their hearts.

RIGHT???

Yes. Yes we can.

Note: The most popular choice for husbands was #2: Initiates Intimacy. Interesting huh?

5 Tips

I definitely have not “arrived” at “being sexy”. I am no professional. Don’t claim to be. But, I do have to say I have learned a lot in my 11 years of marriage. I have learned a lot of what NOT to do, and also what works for my husband.

I believe if we go into this journey of discovering sexiness with the intent to bless our husbands, God will inevitably bless our efforts.

After all, isn’t it our goal to serve our husbands? Shouldn’t it be our pleasure to present ourselves (especially our bodies), as gifts to our husbands?

With these observations addressed, here is a list of 5 tips you can start to initiate in your marriage. I believe we can be sexy for our husbands again!

It just takes a little intentionality on our parts.

5 tips to being sexy for your husband:

  1. Ask him. 

I guarantee if you ask your husband to be honest with you, he will be more than willing to shed some light on ways you can be more sexy. Of course, he needs to be loving about it, but don’t take it offensively if he comments on something you may not be doing. Take it as him caring for you. Which he does! Ask him to give you ideas on ways you can be more sexy and attractive for him.

2. Make an effort.

Just like when you first got engaged, make an effort to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I think this point is one of the most important things you can do to feel and be more sexy! When you are healthy (eating right and exercising), you not only feel better in every way, but you start getting confident in how you look! He will notice too! Trust me… this has been the most beneficial point for me, personally!

3. Initiate things.

I don’t just mean sex. Yes, sex is very important too, but I mean also initiating intimacy with your husband  (I won’t get too detailed about what “intimacy” is. I will leave that to your imagination!;).  Also, women…we have an easier ability to initiate (and plan) dates with our husbands. I guarantee you your husband wants to date you, but he is intimidated on planning the babysitting aspect of it. Take initiative sometimes (husbands need to plan dates too), and plan a date. Set up the babysitting. Be a team!

4. Be Spontaneous.

This option is so wonderful! Because, the possibilities are limitless! You can be sexy in so many ways with this one! Here are a few ideas off the top of my head…1. Send a sexy message (or picture) randomly to your husband during the day (be discreet…you never know who may be near his phone). 2. Get the kids babysat for when he gets home from work one night, and have a quiet and intimate dinner (and “dessert” after ;). 3. Plan a weekend getaway with your husband. 4. Dress up for him whenever you are going somewhere with him (even just to the store), to make him proud. Be creative! You can do it!

5. Spend time on you.

This morning, my husband told me he feels many women just need to allow themselves to spend time on THEMSELVES (yes, I married a winner;). What he meant by that was a lot of women just don’t feel the freedom to be able to spend time on themselves, without feeling guilty about it. I think he is right! There are many times when I treat myself to a pedicure, manicure, or to getting my hair done, and there is a twinge of guilt associated. That should not be the case! Ladies…if we spend a little extra time on making ourselves feel pretty, and even just the sheer fact of putting the focus on US for a change, it will go such a long way to helping us feel relaxed and refreshed! We need to allow ourselves the freedom to take care of ourselves, to take care of our appearances. THIS will go a long way to making us feel less of a hag, and more SEXY for our husbands!

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I hope these tips will enrich your marriage and your thought process on what it looks like to be a sexy wife. It’s really pretty simple. Our husbands don’t need much from us! When we put effort into making our husbands feel respected and honored by the way we treat and view ourselves, it very impactful!

Let’s bring SEXY back to our marriages!

God Bless!

-Z

 

 

 

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Sex-The Taboo Topic

I received so many accolades from people all over the country, who were appreciative that I wrote about christian married sex (check out my page on “Let’s talk about Sex”)! Thank you so much for your support! It truly means a lot.

Sex-Talk is Inappropriate?

This is a “modest” issue of Cosmo Girl….

Unfortunately, there were a few that had issues with my last post about sex. Some argued that their teenagers were reading it, and that it was inappropriate for me to discuss sex in a public forum. I would argue that it is the most appropriate thing a teenager can read (if thats what they really want to read about).

Why? Because I would rather a teenager stumble upon a post about christian married sex and be educated on what a godly marriage and sex-life looks like, then to peruse Teen Magazines (look at this one! It’s for teens!), Pinterest, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook (not to mention the internet!!!) and read about all sorts of INNAPROPRIATE talk about un-married sex and teenage promiscuity.

Is your teenager on Pinterest? Think it’s an innocent and safe place for home decor and recipes??? THINK AGAIN! Yes, it can be a great resource, but just type in “sex”, and you will find out what “inappropriate” is. There is stuff on there and many other forums that is so dangerous! The fact of the matter is, teenagers are curious.

But, that’s a whole different subject.

People WANT to talk about Sex!

kissing What these facts on both sides made me realize was…people (and teenagers) WANT to talk about sex. People (and teenagers) want to know that it is ok to talk about sex.

People also want to know that other people struggle with all sorts of sex related issues.

Marriage is hard sometimes. But marriage can be amazing too. If we educate our young kids to what a godly, healthy and awesome marriage looks like (including a healthy sex-life), I think we would have so much less curiosity going on with our young people.

There are so many facets to a married sex-life, and unfortunately, not enough people talk about it. ESPECIALLY  in the church. As christians, we have the privilege to be able to tell the world that we can have the best sex ever! Why? Because we understand that sex, in it’s truest form, is a picture of intimacy with our God! It is not only a fun and exciting thing between a man and women, but it is truly beautiful.

These guys say it perfectly:

“Sex. For some, the topic is taboo. Others find it repulsive. Those willing to market and exploit it make millions. Did you know that most couples have as much trouble talking about their funeral as they do talking about sex? That could be why the Christian Church has largely gone silent on the issue. 

Some have bought into the myth that sex is only to be discussed between a husband and a wife, yet while sex is sacred and the marriage bed should be guarded, the topic of sex must be discussed if it’s going to truly be honored and protected. God is not afraid of the topic of sex. Did you know that God has given us more instructions about sex than He has about parenting? The Bible provides more instruction and guidance for how to make a baby than for how to take care of one! God has given us sex as a gift and it’s one to be thoroughly treasured, celebrated, and enjoyed.” -Ted Cunningham (Pastor at Woodland Hills church in Branson, Mo) and Dr. Gary Smalley (Bestselling author and Dr.)

Why the “Hush, hush”?

Why is it then that this topic has become so “hush, hush”? Is it because of our culture? Is it because it’s portrayed as “ugly” and not to be discussed in public? Is it because it’s “wrong” to “air your dirty laundry”?

There are so many “why’s”.

I’ll tell you what, I sure wish I was able to discuss sex in an open way as a young person! As a teenager, I was curious. Aren’t we all? I wanted to know about sex, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I had heard that it was a “taboo topic”. That I wasn’t allowed to discuss it or ask questions about it, and God-forbid, bring it up in a church setting!

Luckily, my mom gave me a book about married sex later on in high school. I was able to read it, and try to understand it (in my finite pea-brain of a mind, at that age). Unfortunately, I still didn’t understand, and I wasn’t able to discuss it with anyone. Later on, when I went to public school (I was homeschooled for 10 years), I heard “talk” that I had no idea what it was about. I was so naive (looking back now…it was a good thing), that I could not understand half of the vulgar things that were being said. Trust me….vulgarity is totally a common thing in our high schools! To think otherwise is just being ignorant.

Maybe some of this is what some of our young people are experiencing?

I can’t even imagine the things that are put right in front of children these days! When I was a kid, we didn’t have technology like we do now. We were not able to literally have any kind of content at our fingertips at any given time!

Sex sells in popular teen movies, magazines and books. Not to mention the amount of pornography and disgusting stuff that is available at a touch of a screen!

I can assure you in the this current millennial culture…the topic of sex is NOT taboo! Our young people are more familiar with sex than you think! The only problem is their understanding of sex is often not the kind of sex God intended!

“With the advent of the Internet, parents are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their children from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father’s magazines, most school-age children and adolescents are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Former Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.”

– https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/teens-and-porn/advice-for-parents-of-teenage-porn-addicts

9 in 10 TEENS!!!! That’s crazy! Crazy!

Why wouldn’t we want to make sex a topic that is a good thing? A thing that is modeled to younger people. A right way to have sex…within the constitution of marriage.

We can no longer be ignorant. Sex is a topic that needs NOT be taboo!

Let’s talk about sex!

With all these facts in mind, I think it is important we as christians find a way to talk about sex! We NEED to make it a subject that is both honoring and enlightening to the next generation! But, how do we do this?

This subject is a passionate subject for me (no pun intended). However, I wish I had more understanding about married sex, BEFORE I was married. Even after I was married, I wish I had people to discuss sex and intimacy (two different subjects) with.

I’ve thought a lot about what I would do differently in the church, and how I would help marriages to thrive. Here is a list of things I think need to be made more of a priority in our churches…

  1. Couples bible studies on marriage.  One of my favorites is Love and Respect.
  2. Women’s and men’s groups on specific topics about sex and intimacy.
  3. Discipleship from older couples in the church who have experience at being married.

These are just a few.

Am I saying that all y’all need to go tell the world how you and your husband “make-love” on any given day? NO! We don’t need to know details. But I would say that we do need relevant discussion. ESPECIALLY in the church!  There is nothing wrong with having a conversation (in the right setting) about sex, sex issues, marriage and intimacy.

Let’s be real…we all have sex (if we’re married). It’s a common occurrence. It’s normal!

Why wouldn’t we talk about SEX; in all of it’s forms and all of it’s glory?

I would love to hear from you and get feedback on what you think about this? Shoot me an email or go to my Contact Me page.

I hope this post will be one of the many posts on this specific topic! Stay tuned for more!

Thanks for reading!

God bless!

-Z