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Sex-The Taboo Topic

I received so many accolades from people all over the country, who were appreciative that I wrote about christian married sex (check out my page on “Let’s talk about Sex”)! Thank you so much for your support! It truly means a lot.

Sex-Talk is Inappropriate?

This is a “modest” issue of Cosmo Girl….

Unfortunately, there were a few that had issues with my last post about sex. Some argued that their teenagers were reading it, and that it was inappropriate for me to discuss sex in a public forum. I would argue that it is the most appropriate thing a teenager can read (if thats what they really want to read about).

Why? Because I would rather a teenager stumble upon a post about christian married sex and be educated on what a godly marriage and sex-life looks like, then to peruse Teen Magazines (look at this one! It’s for teens!), Pinterest, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook (not to mention the internet!!!) and read about all sorts of INNAPROPRIATE talk about un-married sex and teenage promiscuity.

Is your teenager on Pinterest? Think it’s an innocent and safe place for home decor and recipes??? THINK AGAIN! Yes, it can be a great resource, but just type in “sex”, and you will find out what “inappropriate” is. There is stuff on there and many other forums that is so dangerous! The fact of the matter is, teenagers are curious.

But, that’s a whole different subject.

People WANT to talk about Sex!

kissing What these facts on both sides made me realize was…people (and teenagers) WANT to talk about sex. People (and teenagers) want to know that it is ok to talk about sex.

People also want to know that other people struggle with all sorts of sex related issues.

Marriage is hard sometimes. But marriage can be amazing too. If we educate our young kids to what a godly, healthy and awesome marriage looks like (including a healthy sex-life), I think we would have so much less curiosity going on with our young people.

There are so many facets to a married sex-life, and unfortunately, not enough people talk about it. ESPECIALLY  in the church. As christians, we have the privilege to be able to tell the world that we can have the best sex ever! Why? Because we understand that sex, in it’s truest form, is a picture of intimacy with our God! It is not only a fun and exciting thing between a man and women, but it is truly beautiful.

These guys say it perfectly:

“Sex. For some, the topic is taboo. Others find it repulsive. Those willing to market and exploit it make millions. Did you know that most couples have as much trouble talking about their funeral as they do talking about sex? That could be why the Christian Church has largely gone silent on the issue. 

Some have bought into the myth that sex is only to be discussed between a husband and a wife, yet while sex is sacred and the marriage bed should be guarded, the topic of sex must be discussed if it’s going to truly be honored and protected. God is not afraid of the topic of sex. Did you know that God has given us more instructions about sex than He has about parenting? The Bible provides more instruction and guidance for how to make a baby than for how to take care of one! God has given us sex as a gift and it’s one to be thoroughly treasured, celebrated, and enjoyed.” -Ted Cunningham (Pastor at Woodland Hills church in Branson, Mo) and Dr. Gary Smalley (Bestselling author and Dr.)

Why the “Hush, hush”?

Why is it then that this topic has become so “hush, hush”? Is it because of our culture? Is it because it’s portrayed as “ugly” and not to be discussed in public? Is it because it’s “wrong” to “air your dirty laundry”?

There are so many “why’s”.

I’ll tell you what, I sure wish I was able to discuss sex in an open way as a young person! As a teenager, I was curious. Aren’t we all? I wanted to know about sex, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I had heard that it was a “taboo topic”. That I wasn’t allowed to discuss it or ask questions about it, and God-forbid, bring it up in a church setting!

Luckily, my mom gave me a book about married sex later on in high school. I was able to read it, and try to understand it (in my finite pea-brain of a mind, at that age). Unfortunately, I still didn’t understand, and I wasn’t able to discuss it with anyone. Later on, when I went to public school (I was homeschooled for 10 years), I heard “talk” that I had no idea what it was about. I was so naive (looking back now…it was a good thing), that I could not understand half of the vulgar things that were being said. Trust me….vulgarity is totally a common thing in our high schools! To think otherwise is just being ignorant.

Maybe some of this is what some of our young people are experiencing?

I can’t even imagine the things that are put right in front of children these days! When I was a kid, we didn’t have technology like we do now. We were not able to literally have any kind of content at our fingertips at any given time!

Sex sells in popular teen movies, magazines and books. Not to mention the amount of pornography and disgusting stuff that is available at a touch of a screen!

I can assure you in the this current millennial culture…the topic of sex is NOT taboo! Our young people are more familiar with sex than you think! The only problem is their understanding of sex is often not the kind of sex God intended!

“With the advent of the Internet, parents are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their children from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father’s magazines, most school-age children and adolescents are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Former Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.”

– https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/teens-and-porn/advice-for-parents-of-teenage-porn-addicts

9 in 10 TEENS!!!! That’s crazy! Crazy!

Why wouldn’t we want to make sex a topic that is a good thing? A thing that is modeled to younger people. A right way to have sex…within the constitution of marriage.

We can no longer be ignorant. Sex is a topic that needs NOT be taboo!

Let’s talk about sex!

With all these facts in mind, I think it is important we as christians find a way to talk about sex! We NEED to make it a subject that is both honoring and enlightening to the next generation! But, how do we do this?

This subject is a passionate subject for me (no pun intended). However, I wish I had more understanding about married sex, BEFORE I was married. Even after I was married, I wish I had people to discuss sex and intimacy (two different subjects) with.

I’ve thought a lot about what I would do differently in the church, and how I would help marriages to thrive. Here is a list of things I think need to be made more of a priority in our churches…

  1. Couples bible studies on marriage.  One of my favorites is Love and Respect.
  2. Women’s and men’s groups on specific topics about sex and intimacy.
  3. Discipleship from older couples in the church who have experience at being married.

These are just a few.

Am I saying that all y’all need to go tell the world how you and your husband “make-love” on any given day? NO! We don’t need to know details. But I would say that we do need relevant discussion. ESPECIALLY in the church!  There is nothing wrong with having a conversation (in the right setting) about sex, sex issues, marriage and intimacy.

Let’s be real…we all have sex (if we’re married). It’s a common occurrence. It’s normal!

Why wouldn’t we talk about SEX; in all of it’s forms and all of it’s glory?

I would love to hear from you and get feedback on what you think about this? Shoot me an email or go to my Contact Me page.

I hope this post will be one of the many posts on this specific topic! Stay tuned for more!

Thanks for reading!

God bless!

-Z

Let's talk about SEX! · Lets talk about Sex!

Sex & Body Issues

This post is written for married or soon-to-be married women.

Insecurities

I don’t know about ya’ll, but I struggle with insecurity. Not so much with who I am as a person, but with my body. I think I have always struggled with this since I can even remember. It sucks. It really does.

It’s like I cannot get what my heart knows is the right thinking about my body, to match up with my mind. My mind thinks that I am ugly, that I am not thin enough, that I need to lose weight…etc. This translates into my marriage, and especially how I view my body while being with my husband.

Can I get a witness? Any other women struggle with this?

I think more women than you can even imagine do. Maybe you didn’t raise your hand….great for you, but I think you are the exception.

Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to, has struggled with some form of body issues (insecurity).

legs

Media

Have you noticed that women on magazines and billboards are perfect? I mean seriously perfect. From the flawless skin, to the perfectly voluptuous… (eh hmm) hair…among other things. No flaws whatsoever.

Do you think that is really REAL?

You see, we are trained, since we are young, to equate the perfect female bodies with these kinds of images. I think it is the media’s way of infiltrating our minds. Maybe they mean to, maybe they don’t, but these things stick in your mind and in your perception of what reality is.

Here’s a couple of examples of this…

1. Kate Winslet.

Frazer Harrison / Getty
Vogue

Kate Winslet’s face has been airbrushed so significantly in this Vogue cover image that she almost doesn’t look human. Her complexion and eyes have totally changed colour, and any sign of a wrinkle has been completely erased.

2. Kourtney Kardashian.

Life and Style magazine
OK! Magazine

Kourtney Kardashian posed for this original photo (left) seven days after giving birth to her son Mason. The image was published in Life and Style magazine.

A short while later, this second image (right) appeared on the cover of OK! magazine, which changed the colour of Kourtney and Mason’s clothing to give the impression of a new photo shoot. They also slimmed Kourtney’s stomach down, making her look as though she’d lost all of her baby weight.

Kourtney responded to the retouching, saying, “They doctored and photoshopped my body to make it look like I have already lost all the weight, which I have not.”

(pics and info courtesy of buzzfeed)

The Way Media Influences

In various degrees, we are all unwittingly a victim of the media and it’s barrage of influence. The images that we subconsciously equate with what a beautiful person is, is not necessarily reality. These perceptions really do affect the way we dress, live, have sex with your husbands, act and think.

However subconscious these thoughts can be, I know it affects me.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a girl on Pinterest that is wearing this super cute outfit or has her hair all nice looking…it makes me want to go lose 10 pounds, and buy that outfit and look just like her! It’s a strange instinct to me. Its one that, for me, I don’t mean to do. I don’t mean to have those thoughts or want to go out and buy that stuff.

So I started thinking, “Why does this happen? Why do I feel the need to “look like her, to dress like her, to be thinner”?

Why?

Well crap! It’s the stinkin’ media influencing us! Whether it is Pinterest, movies or whatever…we are INFLUENCED. This influence affects us. It affects me.

Especially if you are married and are naked when you have sex.

Down to the Nitty-Gritty…

It’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty of these body issues. Yes, I did just use the words NAKED and SEX.

I just set the stage for the reasons why we are so effected in our insecurities by media, so let me now try to pull it all together in the WHY it affects our marriages…

When I first got married, I had a nice little body (not that I thought so when I first got married). Even though I was young, had no stretch marks, very few flaws, no wrinkles and no grey hair, I STILL was insecure! Isn’t that insane? I look back now, and wish I still looked like that!

We learn a lot as we get older and wiser, right?

I have to tell you, these insecurities effected (and still sometimes) affect my marriage. I am sure that if you are honest with yourself, it affects yours too. Am I right?

  • Turning lights off
  • Wearing “modest” lingerie
  • Not being “comfortable in your own skin” while naked
  • Not wanting to be naked

The lists go on! And these are only a few! Some of these things, subconscious or not, are because of our perception of reality.

When we allow our minds to go to what we THINK we are supposed to look like, it can be such a damaging thing. It definitely affects how we are able to enjoy sex with our husbands. Let’s look at scripture…

Song of Solomon

“My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh

that lies between my breasts.

My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
in the vineyards of En-gedi.
He:
Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.
She:
Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.
Our couch is green…”

I know, I know…this sounds like a mixture of “steamy” and someone with an A.D.D. problem.

Now, I don’t know about you, but the “poetic” talk of these two makes all sorts of images pop up in my mind (sorry, I have a crazy imagination). But, I love how the Bible is so candid about topics like this. Real life stuff.

If you haven’t gotten it yet…this passage of scripture is TALKING ABOUT SEX! Down home, two naked people, married-SEX. These two are talking about each other and each others bodies! (OMG!)

(Mom, if you just read that, I know you just gasped…but it’s ok…stay with me here).

I love that these two are just madly in love with each other, and with each other’s BODIES! They don’t care about their extra 10 pounds, or the stretch marks, or the stinky breath! They just freaking love each other!

There are so many more excerpts from song of Solomon that I could show you, but this tiny little portion will suffice. I am trying to make a point here.

The thing was, back in the day (long, long time ago), they didn’t have tv’s or smart phones. They had hard work, food to make, house to keep and probably a whole lot of sex (maybe that’s why there are so many people on earth now ;). There wasn’t the opportunity to look at an image and say, “oh boy, I need to look like her”, or, “I need the lights turned off first before we can be naked”.

In my lowly opinion, I think that back then, women had a lot more “self-esteem.”

If you ever get a chance to read the Song of Solomon with your husband, you should do it. It’s a great portion of the Bible that is so poetic and artistic. It also gives you the perspective of how God created sex with your husband to be. It is a picture of our intimacy with God.

Note: If you do not have a relationship with God, feel free to send me an e-mail. I’d love to chat with you!

Back to the topic…

Confidence

I’m sure you’re thinking, “gosh! this girl’s got to be the most confident girl ever!”…

Nope. I am not. I’m a work in progress. I still struggle with myself and the way I think about my body. I have to point out however, that this struggle is MINE. Not my husbands, but mine.

The problem here is not with our extra weight, or the imperfections that we probably have…cause we are human. The problem is in our minds!

So, how do we have confidence? How do we get over this hurdle in our minds about how we look (especially in bed)?  How do we go into our “bedrooms” with confidence and realize that sex is a beautiful thing; something to be cherished and respected, both by our attitudes and by our bodies?

Reality

The Bible tells us that beauty is not about what we look like. It is deeper than that.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.   Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”Unchecked Copy Box Pro 31:10-12

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”Unchecked Copy Box Pro 31:29-30

Beauty is more than skin-deep!

Of course, our bodies are incredible things! If you have had children, then you know what happens after pregnancies! It is not all pretty. The world likes you to think that after babies, your bodies can be exactly how they were when you were 20. But, unless you have thousands upon thousands of dollars, that is just not reality.

The reality of it is, after multiple pregnancies, after babies, and just the effects of age…we all have imperfections. I don’t know about you…but I have stretch marks, wrinkles, grey hair, rolls and many other imperfections.

However, my focus needs to be on the inward beauty, not my imperfections.

 (P.s. This is not me lol. Courtesy of pregnancy health.net)

If we were just able to accept the fact these “imperfections” are normal, and that NORMAL women do not look like the magazine covers or the billboard ladies, I feel like we would have such freedom in how we look! Our husbands want to SEE our bodies. They don’t want us hiding in them.

Physical Beauty

With all that being said, we cannot forget the importance of being physically healthy as well. For some men, this is VERY important thing.

Something that my husband and I have always said since our honeymoon, is that if either of us begin to “let ourselves go”, then we would be open with each other in saying so. Not in a rude or condescending way, but in an encouraging manner. It has been a very important thing for us to try to stay as fit as we can for each other. I know that it is a very important thing for most men, although they would never admit it.

They are sexual beings and they are also VERY visual. I cannot stress the important of this!

IF YOU ARE A FEMALE…PLEASE WATCH THIS…explains it perfectly…

Did you learn anything about males and their visual stimulation? (p.s. be on the lookout for my post about Guys and Visual Stimulation! Coming soon!)

Now, I know that some circumstances don’t allow for us all to be a size 2 (and who says that’s the size to be anyways?), but I do think it is important for us as wives to try to look as attractive to our husbands as we can, especially knowing that they are VISUAL beings!

On another note: My husband has told me so many times that when men have sex with their wives, they don’t even notice those extra pounds, the messy hair and no makeup, or the stretch marks. They just want you to be “engaged” in sex, they want to see you. ALL OF YOU. They want you to be excited, to be “in to it” with them. They also want you to just “service” them from time to time (that’s another topic for another day). Those things for them, is the most attractive thing!

It’s time to take some action ladies!!!

ACTION REQUIRED

How can we get rid of the idea that the images in our mind we THINK are reality, are NOT reality?

How do we as wives, have confidence with our husband when we have sex?

How do we become comfortable with our naked bodies in front of our husbands?

How do we get over the perception that we “need” to look a certain way to be attractive?

Answer: PUT THESE THINGS YOU JUST LEARNED INTO ACTION! Action is required!

Here are a few ideas to start putting into action what you learned…

  1. Talk to your husband about your insecurities, let him reassure you that it is not how he views your body.
  2. Consciously remind yourself that these thoughts that you struggle with are NOT reality.
  3. Write down scripture about who you are in Christ and leave those scriptures around the house where you can memorize them.
  4. Go through a book about sex with your husband. Learn about each others bodies and don’t be afraid to be naked in front of each other!  (too many resources to list! Just look up books about sex for christians).
  5. Read the Song of Solomon together…and then have lots of sex. 🙂
  6. When your husband is around, try to look your best and be attractive for him. If the kids are not around, wear some lingerie and just walk around. Trust me, you won’t be wearing it long ;).
  7. Start a workout routine to tone up! Not only will you feel great and have more energy, but your husband will notice. I PROMISE.
  8. Last but not least….Leave the lights on next time you have sex, or just do it in broad day light more often. He likes to see…everything! You’re welcome.

Those are just a few ideas. I know that when you have a perception about something in your head, it can be very difficult to get rid of it. So, be patient! Pray and ask God to clear your mind of these perceptions and to give you a heathy perspective of your body, and the importance of letting your husband enjoy your body. He will. He is faithful!

Praying you have a great day! God bless you on your quest to have confidence with your body!

-Z