Sexy Wife

April 6, 2018April 6, 2018 zhealthyhousewife1 Comment

5 tips on being sexy for your husband-When you feel like a hag.

#haglife

Definition of sexy : sexually suggestive or stimulating : erotic. : generally attractive or interesting : appealing.

SIGH.

Let’s be honest now…if you are a wife and mom, and especially if you are in your 30’s and have had more than a couple of children…you probably feel like a hag…at least most of the time.

Am I right? Or am I the only one who struggles with this? #haglife

The word “sexy” may make you roll your eyes, sigh with exhaustion, or just make you say, “whatever!”.

Maybe you just had a baby and you feel more like this…

Maybe your idea of “being sexy” looks like this… (sorry random lady)…

Maybe the thought of the word “sexy” sounds exhausting…

(I have no idea why I am using so many dang animal pictures!)

So what does it look like to be a “sexy wife”?

What does it mean to BE “sexy”?

Today we are going to be looking at some of the proposed perceptions of husbands and the thought processes of wives of what it means to be a SEXY WIFE.

The Unspoken Truth

When our men finally ask us to be their wives, we are usually ecstatic! We start planning, we start dreaming, we show off our beautiful ring. But USUALLY, we start exercising. Am I right? We want to be able to get into that tiny little white dress and impress not only our husbands, but everyone that will be at our wedding.

The unspoken truth of the matter is, when we first start our marriages, we make it our goal to become as sexy as humanly possible for our husbands. We go out of our way to find sexy lingerie, to dress up, to cook yummy treats and meals, to initiate intimacy, to send sexy little text messages to their phones, etc.

Then, a lot of times….children happen. Busyness happens. Life happens. Not that we don’t still want to be sexy for our husbands, even as moms, but life has a way of making all of those initial important things go away. What used to be important seems to be “put on the back burner”. We still dress up for Sundays, put makeup on for date nights and sometimes, occasionally workout. But, what used to be so much of a priority has been unintentionally forgotten.

We resort to sweat pants and bad hair days, with no thought as to how it effects our husbands.

You see, being sexy is not necessarily being all dressed up in a laced black negligé, 5 inch stilettos or saying alluring things to your husband (even though those are great things!).

Sexy is a frame of mind. Sexy is a vibe that you give off! The confidence that you once had with your husband. Before children. Before the busyness of life.

Yes, you can still wear sweat pants and have messy hair, and still have that “vibe” that you once had. That sexiness that drives your husband wild! But, it is an intentional way of thinking. Intentional actions.

I say we TAKE SEXY BACK!

I say we awaken that which used to be so important to us in the beginning of our marriage…being sexy.

Tongue-Tied

I recently took a poll on Facebook of all the married men out there who were brave enough to respond. I put a list of things on there that might describe what they viewed as being sexy. Here was the question and these were the choices:

My wife looks most sexy/attractive when she:

Dresses up
Initiates intimacy
Puts effort into health/body
Sends love notes or pictures

Believe it or not, there were not that many husbands who responded (I salute the brave few).

Why?

Because, I believe that they were and are tongue-tied.

I believe that they were fearful that maybe their wives would read their response and get offended by their opinion. Unfortunately, I don’t think that this fear that men have is too far off the mark. Why is it that wives AND husbands cannot talk openly about what is sexy to them, and what their needs are?

Don’t get me wrong, I think women are more apt to give their opinions on what their husband should do to be sexy…

“What are you wearing?!? That is so ugly! Here, wear this!”

“hunny, maybe you should start working out…you know, get those big arms that Chris Hemsworth has.”

“Gross…you want to have sex now? You are all sweaty and nasty! Get away from me!”.

Can you even imagine what would happen if our husbands said any of those kinds of things to us?!?!?

WORLD WAR THREE!

I believe that many men are tongue-tied because they are not able to say what they desire from their wives, especially in the realm of “sexiness”, for fear they may get in an unwanted fight, or possibly even “lose their life.” I believe it is a huge struggle for them. They want so badly to say what they find sexy from their wives, without fear their wives will take it wrong, or be offended. I believe most husbands really do have good intentions for this sensitive subject, but end up just not saying anything at all because they don’t want to their wives to feel hurt.

Ladies…we can alleviate their fears!

We can allow them to communicate with us without feeling like they are “walking on eggshells”. We can for all practical purposes, allow them to give insight into their hearts.

RIGHT???

Yes. Yes we can.

Note: The most popular choice for husbands was #2: Initiates Intimacy. Interesting huh?

5 Tips

I definitely have not “arrived” at “being sexy”. I am no professional. Don’t claim to be. But, I do have to say I have learned a lot in my 11 years of marriage. I have learned a lot of what NOT to do, and also what works for my husband.

I believe if we go into this journey of discovering sexiness with the intent to bless our husbands, God will inevitably bless our efforts.

After all, isn’t it our goal to serve our husbands? Shouldn’t it be our pleasure to present ourselves (especially our bodies), as gifts to our husbands?

With these observations addressed, here is a list of 5 tips you can start to initiate in your marriage. I believe we can be sexy for our husbands again!

It just takes a little intentionality on our parts.

5 tips to being sexy for your husband:

Ask him.

I guarantee if you ask your husband to be honest with you, he will be more than willing to shed some light on ways you can be more sexy. Of course, he needs to be loving about it, but don’t take it offensively if he comments on something you may not be doing. Take it as him caring for you. Which he does! Ask him to give you ideas on ways you can be more sexy and attractive for him.

2. Make an effort.

Just like when you first got engaged, make an effort to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I think this point is one of the most important things you can do to feel and be more sexy! When you are healthy (eating right and exercising), you not only feel better in every way, but you start getting confident in how you look! He will notice too! Trust me… this has been the most beneficial point for me, personally!

3. Initiate things.

I don’t just mean sex. Yes, sex is very important too, but I mean also initiating intimacy with your husband (I won’t get too detailed about what “intimacy” is. I will leave that to your imagination!;). Also, women…we have an easier ability to initiate (and plan) dates with our husbands. I guarantee you your husband wants to date you, but he is intimidated on planning the babysitting aspect of it. Take initiative sometimes (husbands need to plan dates too), and plan a date. Set up the babysitting. Be a team!

4. Be Spontaneous.

This option is so wonderful! Because, the possibilities are limitless! You can be sexy in so many ways with this one! Here are a few ideas off the top of my head…1. Send a sexy message (or picture) randomly to your husband during the day (be discreet…you never know who may be near his phone). 2. Get the kids babysat for when he gets home from work one night, and have a quiet and intimate dinner (and “dessert” after ;). 3. Plan a weekend getaway with your husband. 4. Dress up for him whenever you are going somewhere with him (even just to the store), to make him proud. Be creative! You can do it!

5. Spend time on you.

This morning, my husband told me he feels many women just need to allow themselves to spend time on THEMSELVES (yes, I married a winner;). What he meant by that was a lot of women just don’t feel the freedom to be able to spend time on themselves, without feeling guilty about it. I think he is right! There are many times when I treat myself to a pedicure, manicure, or to getting my hair done, and there is a twinge of guilt associated. That should not be the case! Ladies…if we spend a little extra time on making ourselves feel pretty, and even just the sheer fact of putting the focus on US for a change, it will go such a long way to helping us feel relaxed and refreshed! We need to allow ourselves the freedom to take care of ourselves, to take care of our appearances. THIS will go a long way to making us feel less of a hag, and more SEXY for our husbands!

—–

I hope these tips will enrich your marriage and your thought process on what it looks like to be a sexy wife. It’s really pretty simple. Our husbands don’t need much from us! When we put effort into making our husbands feel respected and honored by the way we treat and view ourselves, it very impactful!

Let’s bring SEXY back to our marriages!

God Bless!

-Z

Lets talk about Sex!

Your Husband-Your Gift

February 22, 2018February 22, 2018 zhealthyhousewifeLeave a comment

How to treat your husband like a king.

This post is actually not even really about sex. It’s about discovering a gift that you never knew you’ve always had!

Bear with me….

Some History

I did not always treat my husband like a king. I used to think that it was the stupidest concept I had ever heard of. I definitely have not always had the mindset that my husband was my gift, but I know that I have come a long way (with God’s help).

You see, when we first got married, I was headstrong and a little (or a lot) selfish. I believed that my husband was “supposed to” love me. That he was “supposed to” treat me like a queen, no matter how I treated him. Believe me when I say, I learned a hard lesson (or two hundred).

Now, my husband and I never have had a “horrible marriage”, we just were young and had not learned how to co-exist with another human in that intimate of a setting before. We learned a lot in our early years of marriage.

I used to be very disrespectful to my husband at times. It’s funny, because I look back at those times, and I used to not understand why he was being so “unloving” back to me. I have to laugh about it now, because it is so clear as to why. The problem was my heart.

Your Gift

Have you ever thought of your husband as your very own, personally picked, wonderful gift to you? Well, he is. He is your gift.

When I think of a gift that someone gave me (especially one that I liked), I think about the individuality of that gift. When you receive a gift that you love, you cherish it. You usually put it in a place of importance so that you don’t lose it. You take care of it, you protect it and usually, you don’t let anyone use it.

Let me use my 1971 Ford Bronco as an example (I am using my truck because it is my most prized possession ;)).

Even though it was a gift to myself, I have always loved it. For a long time, it was my daily driver. It was my constant companion on my camping adventures, my mechanic school experience and I just over-all, I really loved my truck! Every spare minute I had, I was tinkering on it, working on it (a lot, because it is old lol), washing it, doing body work on it, etc. It meant something to me. It was important to me.

How much more do our husbands mean to us? He is the man who God gave to you!!!

When you think about it, husbands “work their butts off” to provide for us and our kids. How many times do we thank them for that? Our husbands have the constant weight of providing for their family (that’s pretty stressful). That’s just how God made it though. Men have to work. How many times do we say that we are proud of them, and support them in their jobs or careers? Our husbands help with the kids, the house projects and many other things. How many times do we thank them? Really?

***I am not dismissing all the work that we do as moms and wives! We do a LOT for our families. Trust me…I do my share too! But, in this post, I am focusing on our husbands. Our “Gifts”. Stay with me!

Now, over the years, and lots of babies later, my poor Bronco is not looking so hot anymore. He has sat for a long time (with the exception of occasional summer drives into town). He is weathered, paint cracking, tires cracked and rotted, and the engine is in dire need of repair, etc.

My poor truck!

I didn’t mean for my truck to be neglected. I just got “distracted” and “too busy” with life to focus on taking care of it, or “showing love” to my ole’ truck.

The “four letter word” for Wives…

When we get “distracted” or too “busy” to take care of our husbands, to show them “love”; they get like my old truck. They get “weathered”, “cracked” and in dire need of “repair”.

I’m not saying that our husbands are “off the hook” for how they act. Definitely not!

But, our husbands can get defeated and discouraged so easily when we don’t support them and respect (submit to) them. When we don’t put the care and time into them that they need to function. Just like my old truck.

Submit: The “four letter word” for wives.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Eph. 5:21-22

I used to hear this word and cringe (maybe like you just did). For a long time, it was a “four letter word” to me. I used to read this passage of Scripture and be like, “screw that! What about ME?” (I know, I was so rebellious, huh?).

But, if you look at the line BEFORE the “submit” part, you see that God tells us to “SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ.” There is a mutual respect and submission to each other that has to take place.

This is such a simple concept that is often forgotten by us wives. We get too busy. We get too “distracted” with caring for the kids, housework, nursing babies, our own drama, etc. We get selfish with OUR needs and forget about THEIR needs.

It is time for us wives to CHOOSE to see the good in our husbands. To CHOOSE to serve them and encourage them, in whatever season of life they might be in. To CHOOSE to put them above ourselves!

What I have discovered is that men (my husband at least), are SO easy to please! They really are! It is so much more simple than we think!

Q & A Time

I am a curious kind of person. If you were to ask my husband how many times I ask him random questions, he would tell you, “A LOT!!!”. I’ve asked him so many different things about how he feels that he’s treated by me. He is usually very honest with me. I love that about him!

Here is a little example of some of the questions I asked him for this post, and his answers…

Me: “How do you feel most respected?”

Answer: “When my home is made a SANCTUARY for me. When everything is clean, neat and in order, as well as food prepared especially for me. I love your food!”

Me: “What is your favorite thing I do for you?”

Answer: “You take care of all my needs. You feed me, you affirm me…you know…”

Me: “If I could do anything in the world for you that would make you feel like King, what would it be?”

Answer: “It’s very simple. Men want to be respected, and thats it. A man feels respected when he is taken care of. When the house is made a sanctuary, where he comes to relax and decompress. Where his wife verbally affirms him, and his basic needs of food, sex and comfort are met. We’re pretty easy.”

See? Our husbands are actually really easy to please! They really are! I mean come on!

Here’s my translation…”Make your house cozy, feed them, affirm and encourage them, be excited about sex and be respectful.” Seems way too easy huh?

Some Ideas

All of this to say, we need to start treating our husbands like Kings! What would our homes look like, if we started treating them like a king? I would dare say, things would look (and feel) a lot different!

What usually happens is this-when you start putting them above yourself, all of your needs start “magically” being met! That’s how it worked for me! I started respecting him in word, action and deed. Man o man! When I started doing that without expecting anything in return…that man (my husband) started turning into a “Casanova”. 😉

Seriously though… they NEED to feel respected and supported. It’s a NEED!

So…maybe you don’t like this post…that’s ok. Maybe these things that I have said have “rubbed you the wrong way”…that’s ok. This stuff used to do that to me too. SHHHH…

So, here are some ideas on how to treat your husband like a king:

Encourage him in his work.
Make your home a sanctuary for him to come home to (when at all possible).
Tell him how attractive he is (you once were attracted to him. Remember?).
Cook special food and treats for him (this one works wonders!!!).
When he gets home from work, don’t nag him. Give him time to decompress.
Be excited about sex. Or better yet, initiate!
Make an effort to look attractive for him.
Do things together. Be excited about what he is excited about.
Encourage him to do things he loves (i.e. hobbies etc).
Make an effort to allow him to rest and relax in a non-messy environment.
Thank him.

Ok, I have way more to list, but I’ll just leave it there for now.

***I realize that life is not always so “Accommodating” to some of these ideas, so have grace on yourself if you can only do one or two. That’s ok! One step at a time! But, do these things without expecting anything in return. God will bless your efforts! Trust me. Been there, done that!

I just want to say, God has brought my husband and I very close to each other through the years. God has also taught me a lot about how to treat my husband, and how to make him feel respected. I am not perfect, but with God’s help I am able to show him respect and support in many different ways.

I see my husband truly as a gift that God gave me. That God gave ME! MY husband is MY gift.

Over the last few weeks, I have caught myself just staring at my him. I found myself in awe of who he is. He is not only super handsome (and studly), but he is a man of integrity. He is a strong leader, provider, protector and the best daddy in the world. I could not say enough about how thankful I am that he married me. I choose to see the GIFT that he is. I choose to see all that is good in him.

So, to conclude this post: If anything else, just encourage your husband! Be with him! Do things TOGETHER! Be supportive of him. Respect him. Love him. Serve him. You can do it!

“Do to others (your husband) as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31

I pray that you will realize what a GIFT you have in your husband. I hope that this post will be encouraging to you.

God bless!

-Z

This guy like food! That’s awesome, because I love to cook!

Sex-The Taboo Topic

February 6, 2018February 6, 2018 zhealthyhousewife5 Comments

I received so many accolades from people all over the country, who were appreciative that I wrote about christian married sex (check out my page on “Let’s talk about Sex”)! Thank you so much for your support! It truly means a lot.

Sex-Talk is Inappropriate?

This is a “modest” issue of Cosmo Girl….

Unfortunately, there were a few that had issues with my last post about sex. Some argued that their teenagers were reading it, and that it was inappropriate for me to discuss sex in a public forum. I would argue that it is the most appropriate thing a teenager can read (if thats what they really want to read about).

Why? Because I would rather a teenager stumble upon a post about christian married sex and be educated on what a godly marriage and sex-life looks like, then to peruse Teen Magazines (look at this one! It’s for teens!), Pinterest, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook (not to mention the internet!!!) and read about all sorts of INNAPROPRIATE talk about un-married sex and teenage promiscuity.

Is your teenager on Pinterest? Think it’s an innocent and safe place for home decor and recipes??? THINK AGAIN! Yes, it can be a great resource, but just type in “sex”, and you will find out what “inappropriate” is. There is stuff on there and many other forums that is so dangerous! The fact of the matter is, teenagers are curious.

But, that’s a whole different subject.

People WANT to talk about Sex!

What these facts on both sides made me realize was…people (and teenagers) WANT to talk about sex. People (and teenagers) want to know that it is ok to talk about sex.

People also want to know that other people struggle with all sorts of sex related issues.

Marriage is hard sometimes. But marriage can be amazing too. If we educate our young kids to what a godly, healthy and awesome marriage looks like (including a healthy sex-life), I think we would have so much less curiosity going on with our young people.

There are so many facets to a married sex-life, and unfortunately, not enough people talk about it. ESPECIALLY in the church. As christians, we have the privilege to be able to tell the world that we can have the best sex ever! Why? Because we understand that sex, in it’s truest form, is a picture of intimacy with our God! It is not only a fun and exciting thing between a man and women, but it is truly beautiful.

These guys say it perfectly:

“Sex. For some, the topic is taboo. Others find it repulsive. Those willing to market and exploit it make millions. Did you know that most couples have as much trouble talking about their funeral as they do talking about sex? That could be why the Christian Church has largely gone silent on the issue.

Some have bought into the myth that sex is only to be discussed between a husband and a wife, yet while sex is sacred and the marriage bed should be guarded, the topic of sex must be discussed if it’s going to truly be honored and protected. God is not afraid of the topic of sex. Did you know that God has given us more instructions about sex than He has about parenting? The Bible provides more instruction and guidance for how to make a baby than for how to take care of one! God has given us sex as a gift and it’s one to be thoroughly treasured, celebrated, and enjoyed.” -Ted Cunningham (Pastor at Woodland Hills church in Branson, Mo) and Dr. Gary Smalley (Bestselling author and Dr.)

Why the “Hush, hush”?

Why is it then that this topic has become so “hush, hush”? Is it because of our culture? Is it because it’s portrayed as “ugly” and not to be discussed in public? Is it because it’s “wrong” to “air your dirty laundry”?

There are so many “why’s”.

I’ll tell you what, I sure wish I was able to discuss sex in an open way as a young person! As a teenager, I was curious. Aren’t we all? I wanted to know about sex, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I had heard that it was a “taboo topic”. That I wasn’t allowed to discuss it or ask questions about it, and God-forbid, bring it up in a church setting!

Luckily, my mom gave me a book about married sex later on in high school. I was able to read it, and try to understand it (in my finite pea-brain of a mind, at that age). Unfortunately, I still didn’t understand, and I wasn’t able to discuss it with anyone. Later on, when I went to public school (I was homeschooled for 10 years), I heard “talk” that I had no idea what it was about. I was so naive (looking back now…it was a good thing), that I could not understand half of the vulgar things that were being said. Trust me….vulgarity is totally a common thing in our high schools! To think otherwise is just being ignorant.

Maybe some of this is what some of our young people are experiencing?

I can’t even imagine the things that are put right in front of children these days! When I was a kid, we didn’t have technology like we do now. We were not able to literally have any kind of content at our fingertips at any given time!

Sex sells in popular teen movies, magazines and books. Not to mention the amount of pornography and disgusting stuff that is available at a touch of a screen!

I can assure you in the this current millennial culture…the topic of sex is NOT taboo! Our young people are more familiar with sex than you think! The only problem is their understanding of sex is often not the kind of sex God intended!

“With the advent of the Internet, parents are finding it increasingly difficult to shield their children from pornography. Now, in addition to the exposure kids might encounter from classmates who borrowed one of their father’s magazines, most school-age children and adolescents are spending large amounts of time online for homework or entertainment reasons. Former Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten teens have been exposed to pornography. Unfortunately, many of these teens are susceptible to developing addictions or compulsions to these images.”

– https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/teens-and-porn/advice-for-parents-of-teenage-porn-addicts

9 in 10 TEENS!!!! That’s crazy! Crazy!

Why wouldn’t we want to make sex a topic that is a good thing? A thing that is modeled to younger people. A right way to have sex…within the constitution of marriage.

We can no longer be ignorant. Sex is a topic that needs NOT be taboo!

Let’s talk about sex!

With all these facts in mind, I think it is important we as christians find a way to talk about sex! We NEED to make it a subject that is both honoring and enlightening to the next generation! But, how do we do this?

This subject is a passionate subject for me (no pun intended). However, I wish I had more understanding about married sex, BEFORE I was married. Even after I was married, I wish I had people to discuss sex and intimacy (two different subjects) with.

I’ve thought a lot about what I would do differently in the church, and how I would help marriages to thrive. Here is a list of things I think need to be made more of a priority in our churches…

Couples bible studies on marriage. One of my favorites is Love and Respect.
Women’s and men’s groups on specific topics about sex and intimacy.
Discipleship from older couples in the church who have experience at being married.

These are just a few.

Am I saying that all y’all need to go tell the world how you and your husband “make-love” on any given day? NO! We don’t need to know details. But I would say that we do need relevant discussion. ESPECIALLY in the church! There is nothing wrong with having a conversation (in the right setting) about sex, sex issues, marriage and intimacy.

Let’s be real…we all have sex (if we’re married). It’s a common occurrence. It’s normal!

Why wouldn’t we talk about SEX; in all of it’s forms and all of it’s glory?

I would love to hear from you and get feedback on what you think about this? Shoot me an email or go to my Contact Me page.

I hope this post will be one of the many posts on this specific topic! Stay tuned for more!

Thanks for reading!

God bless!

-Z

Let's talk about SEX! · Lets talk about Sex!

Sex & Body Issues

January 19, 2018 zhealthyhousewifeLeave a comment

This post is written for married or soon-to-be married women.

Insecurities

I don’t know about ya’ll, but I struggle with insecurity. Not so much with who I am as a person, but with my body. I think I have always struggled with this since I can even remember. It sucks. It really does.

It’s like I cannot get what my heart knows is the right thinking about my body, to match up with my mind. My mind thinks that I am ugly, that I am not thin enough, that I need to lose weight…etc. This translates into my marriage, and especially how I view my body while being with my husband.

Can I get a witness? Any other women struggle with this?

I think more women than you can even imagine do. Maybe you didn’t raise your hand….great for you, but I think you are the exception.

Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to, has struggled with some form of body issues (insecurity).

Media

Have you noticed that women on magazines and billboards are perfect? I mean seriously perfect. From the flawless skin, to the perfectly voluptuous… (eh hmm) hair…among other things. No flaws whatsoever.

Do you think that is really REAL?

You see, we are trained, since we are young, to equate the perfect female bodies with these kinds of images. I think it is the media’s way of infiltrating our minds. Maybe they mean to, maybe they don’t, but these things stick in your mind and in your perception of what reality is.

Here’s a couple of examples of this…

1. Kate Winslet.

Kate Winslet’s face has been airbrushed so significantly in this Vogue cover image that she almost doesn’t look human. Her complexion and eyes have totally changed colour, and any sign of a wrinkle has been completely erased.

2. Kourtney Kardashian.

Kourtney Kardashian posed for this original photo (left) seven days after giving birth to her son Mason. The image was published in Life and Style magazine.

A short while later, this second image (right) appeared on the cover of OK! magazine, which changed the colour of Kourtney and Mason’s clothing to give the impression of a new photo shoot. They also slimmed Kourtney’s stomach down, making her look as though she’d lost all of her baby weight.

Kourtney responded to the retouching, saying, “They doctored and photoshopped my body to make it look like I have already lost all the weight, which I have not.”

(pics and info courtesy of buzzfeed)

The Way Media Influences

In various degrees, we are all unwittingly a victim of the media and it’s barrage of influence. The images that we subconsciously equate with what a beautiful person is, is not necessarily reality. These perceptions really do affect the way we dress, live, have sex with your husbands, act and think.

However subconscious these thoughts can be, I know it affects me.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a girl on Pinterest that is wearing this super cute outfit or has her hair all nice looking…it makes me want to go lose 10 pounds, and buy that outfit and look just like her! It’s a strange instinct to me. Its one that, for me, I don’t mean to do. I don’t mean to have those thoughts or want to go out and buy that stuff.

So I started thinking, “Why does this happen? Why do I feel the need to “look like her, to dress like her, to be thinner”?

Why?

Well crap! It’s the stinkin’ media influencing us! Whether it is Pinterest, movies or whatever…we are INFLUENCED. This influence affects us. It affects me.

Especially if you are married and are naked when you have sex.

Down to the Nitty-Gritty…

It’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty of these body issues. Yes, I did just use the words NAKED and SEX.

I just set the stage for the reasons why we are so effected in our insecurities by media, so let me now try to pull it all together in the WHY it affects our marriages…

When I first got married, I had a nice little body (not that I thought so when I first got married). Even though I was young, had no stretch marks, very few flaws, no wrinkles and no grey hair, I STILL was insecure! Isn’t that insane? I look back now, and wish I still looked like that!

We learn a lot as we get older and wiser, right?

I have to tell you, these insecurities effected (and still sometimes) affect my marriage. I am sure that if you are honest with yourself, it affects yours too. Am I right?

Turning lights off
Wearing “modest” lingerie
Not being “comfortable in your own skin” while naked
Not wanting to be naked

The lists go on! And these are only a few! Some of these things, subconscious or not, are because of our perception of reality.

When we allow our minds to go to what we THINK we are supposed to look like, it can be such a damaging thing. It definitely affects how we are able to enjoy sex with our husbands. Let’s look at scripture…

Song of Solomon

“My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh

that lies between my breasts.

My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
in the vineyards of En-gedi.

He:
Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.

She:
Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.
Our couch is green…”

Sng 1:13-16

I know, I know…this sounds like a mixture of “steamy” and someone with an A.D.D. problem.

Now, I don’t know about you, but the “poetic” talk of these two makes all sorts of images pop up in my mind (sorry, I have a crazy imagination). But, I love how the Bible is so candid about topics like this. Real life stuff.

If you haven’t gotten it yet…this passage of scripture is TALKING ABOUT SEX! Down home, two naked people, married-SEX. These two are talking about each other and each others bodies! (OMG!)

(Mom, if you just read that, I know you just gasped…but it’s ok…stay with me here).

I love that these two are just madly in love with each other, and with each other’s BODIES! They don’t care about their extra 10 pounds, or the stretch marks, or the stinky breath! They just freaking love each other!

There are so many more excerpts from song of Solomon that I could show you, but this tiny little portion will suffice. I am trying to make a point here.

The thing was, back in the day (long, long time ago), they didn’t have tv’s or smart phones. They had hard work, food to make, house to keep and probably a whole lot of sex (maybe that’s why there are so many people on earth now ;). There wasn’t the opportunity to look at an image and say, “oh boy, I need to look like her”, or, “I need the lights turned off first before we can be naked”.

In my lowly opinion, I think that back then, women had a lot more “self-esteem.”

If you ever get a chance to read the Song of Solomon with your husband, you should do it. It’s a great portion of the Bible that is so poetic and artistic. It also gives you the perspective of how God created sex with your husband to be. It is a picture of our intimacy with God.

Note: If you do not have a relationship with God, feel free to send me an e-mail. I’d love to chat with you!

Back to the topic…

Confidence

I’m sure you’re thinking, “gosh! this girl’s got to be the most confident girl ever!”…

Nope. I am not. I’m a work in progress. I still struggle with myself and the way I think about my body. I have to point out however, that this struggle is MINE. Not my husbands, but mine.

The problem here is not with our extra weight, or the imperfections that we probably have…cause we are human. The problem is in our minds!

So, how do we have confidence? How do we get over this hurdle in our minds about how we look (especially in bed)? How do we go into our “bedrooms” with confidence and realize that sex is a beautiful thing; something to be cherished and respected, both by our attitudes and by our bodies?

Reality

The Bible tells us that beauty is not about what we look like. It is deeper than that.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Unchecked Copy Box Pro 31:10-12

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Unchecked Copy Box Pro 31:29-30

Beauty is more than skin-deep!

Of course, our bodies are incredible things! If you have had children, then you know what happens after pregnancies! It is not all pretty. The world likes you to think that after babies, your bodies can be exactly how they were when you were 20. But, unless you have thousands upon thousands of dollars, that is just not reality.

The reality of it is, after multiple pregnancies, after babies, and just the effects of age…we all have imperfections. I don’t know about you…but I have stretch marks, wrinkles, grey hair, rolls and many other imperfections.

However, my focus needs to be on the inward beauty, not my imperfections.

(P.s. This is not me lol. Courtesy of pregnancy health.net)

If we were just able to accept the fact these “imperfections” are normal, and that NORMAL women do not look like the magazine covers or the billboard ladies, I feel like we would have such freedom in how we look! Our husbands want to SEE our bodies. They don’t want us hiding in them.

Physical Beauty

With all that being said, we cannot forget the importance of being physically healthy as well. For some men, this is VERY important thing.

Something that my husband and I have always said since our honeymoon, is that if either of us begin to “let ourselves go”, then we would be open with each other in saying so. Not in a rude or condescending way, but in an encouraging manner. It has been a very important thing for us to try to stay as fit as we can for each other. I know that it is a very important thing for most men, although they would never admit it.

They are sexual beings and they are also VERY visual. I cannot stress the important of this!

IF YOU ARE A FEMALE…PLEASE WATCH THIS…explains it perfectly…

Did you learn anything about males and their visual stimulation? (p.s. be on the lookout for my post about Guys and Visual Stimulation! Coming soon!)

Now, I know that some circumstances don’t allow for us all to be a size 2 (and who says that’s the size to be anyways?), but I do think it is important for us as wives to try to look as attractive to our husbands as we can, especially knowing that they are VISUAL beings!

On another note: My husband has told me so many times that when men have sex with their wives, they don’t even notice those extra pounds, the messy hair and no makeup, or the stretch marks. They just want you to be “engaged” in sex, they want to see you. ALL OF YOU. They want you to be excited, to be “in to it” with them. They also want you to just “service” them from time to time (that’s another topic for another day). Those things for them, is the most attractive thing!

It’s time to take some action ladies!!!

ACTION REQUIRED

How can we get rid of the idea that the images in our mind we THINK are reality, are NOT reality?

How do we as wives, have confidence with our husband when we have sex?

How do we become comfortable with our naked bodies in front of our husbands?

How do we get over the perception that we “need” to look a certain way to be attractive?

Answer: PUT THESE THINGS YOU JUST LEARNED INTO ACTION! Action is required!

Here are a few ideas to start putting into action what you learned…

Talk to your husband about your insecurities, let him reassure you that it is not how he views your body.
Consciously remind yourself that these thoughts that you struggle with are NOT reality.
Write down scripture about who you are in Christ and leave those scriptures around the house where you can memorize them.
Go through a book about sex with your husband. Learn about each others bodies and don’t be afraid to be naked in front of each other! (too many resources to list! Just look up books about sex for christians).
Read the Song of Solomon together…and then have lots of sex. 🙂
When your husband is around, try to look your best and be attractive for him. If the kids are not around, wear some lingerie and just walk around. Trust me, you won’t be wearing it long ;).
Start a workout routine to tone up! Not only will you feel great and have more energy, but your husband will notice. I PROMISE.
Last but not least….Leave the lights on next time you have sex, or just do it in broad day light more often. He likes to see…everything! You’re welcome.

Those are just a few ideas. I know that when you have a perception about something in your head, it can be very difficult to get rid of it. So, be patient! Pray and ask God to clear your mind of these perceptions and to give you a heathy perspective of your body, and the importance of letting your husband enjoy your body. He will. He is faithful!

Praying you have a great day! God bless you on your quest to have confidence with your body!

-Z

Lets talk about Sex!

How to have Sex when you have a house full of kids…

January 2, 2018 zhealthyhousewife8 Comments

Love-making is a ninja skill…

Ok, Raise your hands if you have tiny human tornadoes, created by yourself?

Kids. So precious. So wonderful. So…absolutely up in your “grill” 24/7. At least mine are.

I have 4. FOUR kids! Did I mention that? So, You can say that love-making is a ninja skill that my husband and I have perfected (at least we like to think we have).

There have been countless “oh crap” moments in our almost 11 years of marriage, where we should have planned better. But hey, sometimes those things just aren’t the top ‘things’ on your mind at the moment. There have been many times when we are just like, “really?!?, you have to ask a question through the door about why the sky is so blue, NOW?!?”

We’ve all been there. We all have had to sacrifice our love-lives for the good of the “chillins”. But, enough is enough! I say we take back SEX!

You NEED this…

Now, Let’s get this straight…Since I will most likely be bringing a bunch of this kind of stuff up (because I am very passionate about this subject-especially in Christianity), let’s just reiterate the fact that God created us to be sexual WITH OUR HUSBANDS. BIG emphasis on HUSBANDS. (If you’re not married and you are having sex…send me an email…I’d love to chat with you…no seriously;)

Back to the subject…

He has a NEED. It is legit. It took me years to understand this.

“Anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.” -Robert Byrne

There’s nothing wrong with him. He just needs it. And I would argue, that YOU need it!

(If you ever need a good read on marriage and sex…check this out…https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/sexual-relations-in-marriage.)

Christian women often struggle giving themselves permission to be sensual within marriage and may need time to see it as a healthy part of who they are. “….May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits” (Song of Solomon 4:16, NASB). Women need to meditate on being a sexual creature and talk with other women who are further along in this journey to learn how they can embrace their sensuality. -Christiancrush.com

Sex is actually good for you, ladies! Here are 6 ways that SEX IS GOOD FOR YOU:

Having sex can actually be considered a rather good form of exercise: A small study published in October 2013 in the journal PLoS One showed that men burned an average of 4 calories a minutes during sex sessions that averaged 25 minutes, and women burned off 3 calories. That’s a lot more fun than toiling away on a treadmill.
Stanford University published a study on sex, to be a form of pain relief! Other studies have found that women may get some relief from menstrual crampsthrough a good orgasm.
Sex can help relieve stress by raising endorphins and other hormones that boost mood. As a form of exercise, it can also help calm you down. In addition, a Scottish study published in the journal Biological Psychology found that sexual activity prevents increases in blood pressure during stressful events.
According to the National Sleep Foundation, orgasms release the hormone prolactin, which can help you feel sleepy and relaxed. So don’t be too surprised if you and your partner doze off shortly after a satisfying session — and wake up feeling refreshed.
Sex is a mood enhancer! It’s no wonder you’ve got a more positive outlook after sex: There are biochemical rationales for experiencing improved mood as a sex benefit, from the neurotransmitters that may be released during healthy sex to the mood enhancers contained in semen itself. -Dr. Sandra L. Caron Ph.D
That fabled “morning after” glow? It’s not just your imagination; you really do look better after having sex. “Sex even helps you look younger,” says Caron. That glow can be attributed to a combination of stress relief, better mood, and the flush of blood under your skin that’s a natural part of the arousal process. Enjoying a healthy sex life is one of the great joys in life. Knowing intimacy could be a boon for your long-term health as well make it that much more pleasurable.

(Everydayhealth.com)

See! Isn’t that great!!!!!! Sex is soooooo good! Not to mention, that it’s just so good!

Here’s some tips…

So, with all that being said, here are some tips for those parents who just can’t wait until bed time to “get the groove on”….

5 tips to help you make the most out of your “circumstances”…

1. Be intentional.

-If you haven’t “done the deed” in a couple of weeks, or even a couple days….It’s time! Set a time for yourself, and be intentional about doing it (no pun intended;). You see, if you don’t make it intentional, there will always be something that comes up. Maybe start with sexy (that’s relative;) text messages while he’s at work, or make a tempting comment to him before he leaves for work. That way, when he gets home, that “one thing”, was all was thinking about all day, and he is ready for you! You’re welcome.

2. Be Creative.

-Find a few ideas (i.e. movies, games, playing outside) for the kids to do at a moments notice. That way, if you and your hubby decide to “get down”, you can say, “Hey kids! Go in the den and watch a movie for about 30 minutes!” Then, you and the hubby can go in your room and lock the door. 😉 It’s not always about having sex at night. Sometimes, the day time hours just work! Don’t be afraid of the light!

3. Spice it up.

-Change it up occasionally. Been wearing that same lingerie since you got it as a wedding gift? Time to throw away the thing, and buy a new one! New lingerie is great for spicing it up!

-Always on the bed??? Try it on the floor, or on the kitchen counter (that’s for when the kids are being babysat lol)! Don’t be afraid to try new things with your husband. Trust me, he is not thinking about the extra 15 pounds in your mid-section, or no make-up (stay tuned for my post on “Body Issues and Sex”).

4. Never say no.

-I know certain things come up occasionally, but try to never say “no” to sex. Be available for your husband when he needs you. This has been one of my convictions for a long time now. I’ve always said, “be ready in season and out of season”. If any of ya’ll know the Bible…that’s a spoof on a subject that’s completely taken out of context, but is a great reminder to always be available for your husband. Anytime, anywhere. Shaved legs or not! Who better to satisfy him than his own wife??? Come on ladies, you know where I’m going with this!

5. Make a resolution.

-What better time to make a new year’s resolution, than now? I mean, we did just start a new year, right? And, what better resolution than to have more sex with your husband?!? Maybe it would be a good idea (for some of you), to set two or three days or nights, a week to implement these tips (if you have kids), and to plan sex! Having kids is not for the faint of heart. There is a lot of work that goes into being a parent and caring for your kids. But, I would argue that caring for your husband is MORE important (be watching for my post on “Husbands-Your # 1 ministry”).

Just do it!

I pray that this post is encouraging to you. I realize that this is a touchy subject, and that some people (women especially), find it uncomfortable to talk about sex. That’s ok! We all struggle with certain things in marriage, and maybe this subject is something that God is growing you in. It took me years to learn these things, and I am still not perfect with them. But, just like with being a mom, sometimes the hardest parts, are the most rewarding parts (no pun intended…again. lol).

So, Just do it! Bless your husband today! God bless you on your endeavor!

Sincerely,